Hey everybody, an old man's talking!

Kung Fu star David Carradine found dead

Crud. :-(

Terry Wogan won't be providing commentary for the BBC's telecast of the Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Not everybody is pleased about it.

Everybody, this is Jahn Teigen.



Jahn, this is everybody.

Jahn Teigen is the undisputed king of Norwegian Eurovision entries. Aside from actually representing his country in the final on three occasions, he's also put himself forward for nomination as Norway's entry another 11 times, only to be knocked out of contention in the Melodi Grand Prix (Norway's Eurovision qualifying round). One of these unsuccessful attempts was his performance with Inger Lise Rypdal in 1976, but watching the video clip, it's hard to understand what went wrong.

The song has a killer guitar riff of the sort seldom heard in a Eurovision Song Contest (especially in the mid-'70s), and Teigen's bizarre hand gestures and facial contortions (including a nice little raise of the eyebrows at the 1:00 mark as he sneaks around behind his singing partner) demonstrate that he's not taking himself all that seriously. Later performers could learn a few things from this performance.

Also, did I mention that he's wearing a skeleton costume?



In Teigen's absence, the Eurovision Song Contest of 1976 was won by Brotherhood Of Man, with "Save Your Kisses For Me" (either a cheesy little throwaway about a father who's never at home to see his kids, or a disturbingly upbeat portrayal of the exploits of a paedophile - it's never made entirely clear). I think "Voodoo" would have romped it in.

As it turned out, Teigen secured his own special place in Eurovision history when, in 1978, his performance of "Mil etter mil" ("Mile After Mile") became the first song under the current scoring system to score nul points - in spite of his stunning red trousers and athletic leap at the end of the song. They can never take that away from him.

For better or worse, the Eurovision Song Contest has served as a launching pad for numerous performers who went on to a varied amount of commercial success. Abba's win for Sweden in 1974 led to long-running chart success for that group, while British acts like Bucks Fizz and Brotherhood Of Man were at least able to push their Eurovision-winning singles onto the charts before fading from view thereafter.

Other artists have performed at Eurovision only after they had already made a name for themselves in the music industry. Cliff Richard's appearance in 1968 came after he'd been kicking around for 10 years or so, and his career has continued on uninterrupted since then (his Eurovision appearance notwithstanding).

Today's clip is from a third category - those performers who have had a meteoric rise to fame with one hit single, only to plummet back into obscurity just as quickly before reappearing many years later as a Eurovision act... and then disappearing from the scene once again.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the 1987 Eurovision contestant representing Luxembourg: Plastic Bertrand.

Another from the Eurovision Hall Of Shame - a nul points entry, this time from the United Kingdom.

As one of the four major financial contributors to the European Broadcasting Union (the so-called "Big Four"), the United Kingdom automatically qualifies for each year's Contest, regardless of how bad their act is.

In 2003, Jemini became the first U.K. act to fail to score a point. The reason? A backlash against the British Government's decision to become involved in the war in Iraq. Yep.

The fact that the two vocalists were singing an entirely different tune to the backing tape had nothing to do with it, apparently...

Nobody could ever accuse the Eurovision Song Contest of being in good taste.

A group representing Germany singing about a ruthless and violent dictator (having already named their group after him) to a largely Jewish audience... it went over a lot better than I would have expected.

After a creditable 4th place with this performance in Israel in 1979, Dschinghis Khan had more success (at least in Australia) the following year when their theme song for the Moscow Olympics went to #1 on the singles chart. They sank without trace soon afterwards, though.

There have been some vile, appalling and downright offensive entries in the Eurovision Song Contest over the years, but only very few of those have suffered the embarrassment of nul points - failing to register a single vote from any of the participating countries.

Every once in a while, a song comes along that is so dire that it can't even manage to scrape into the top 10 choices in even one European nation, while simultaneously being so bizarre that it even struggles to pick up joke votes. Cetin Alp was the offender in 1983... and how appropriate it is that the first nul points entry I've posted comes from Turkey.

Watch out for the very sudden left turn at about the 1:08 mark, and try not to be drinking anything when it comes around.

Something a bit more recent this time... that's not to say that I don't have more of that fabulous '70s footage that you all know and detest, of course. I'm just saving it for later.

There are many things to love about the performance of LT United, Lithuania's 2006 Eurovision representatives. The nyer-nyer-nyer tone of the verses, the guy singing into a microphone while simultaneously using a megaphone, the references in the lyrics to the contest itself (a rather pleasing Telex throwback)... for me, though, I think it's the dancing bald dude who really elevates this performance to legendary status.



...but like Telex before them, singing about Eurovision didn't actually win them the contest. Boo hiss.

Back in the dim and distant past, in the years B.L. (Before Lordi), the Finnish thought that acts like Fredi & Friends held their best chance for Eurovision glory.

Those of us who have never gone out in public looking like Lucky Grills can now look back and have a laugh at their expense.

We're less than three weeks away from the horror that is (or, more accurately, will be) Eurovision 2009. A big thanks to doctor_k_ for the reminder - my calendar has been marked, and my supervisor has been informed that I'm coming in late the next day, if I bother to turn up at all.

Behold, the greatest Eurovision performance in history, man. Telex (representing Belgium), 1980 - totally fucking robbed, they were.



I found this on the BBC website:

They playfully sent up the whole spectacle with their song 'Eurovision', a cheery yet deliberately empty piece of electronics, with totally banal lyrics concerning the contest itself.

The audience clearly wasn't sure how to react. After the band stopped playing, there was stunned silence for a while. One of the members of Telex stepped forward and took a photograph of the bewildered audience. Finally, some polite but uncertain applause broke out, amidst sounds of muttering. When the votes were tallied, the verdict was so clear that when Greece actually awarded Belgium three points, the announcer thought she had misheard and tried to award the points to Holland. By a miracle, Turkey managed to scrape last place, robbing Telex of their victory.

I'll probably post a few more Eurovision gold nuggets for your amusement in the coming weeks, 'cause there's bugger-all else going on here at the moment.